5 Ways to Work as a Team With Your ADHD Spouse

Living with ADHD can be a challenge. Living with a spouse with ADHD can be just as challenging and often more frustrating. Here are 5 really good suggestions on how you can support a spouse with ADHD and work together as a team.

While ADHD can be a challenge for both you and your spouse, there are things you can do to support them and work as a team. Terry Matlen, MSW, ACSW and Nikki Kinzer, PCC, an ADHD coach, author and co-host of Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast. shared their valuable suggestions.

Learn about ADHD—and how it uniquely affects your partner.

Talk to your spouse about how ADHD impacts their day to day life. Approach these conversations with curiosity, and not judgment, Kinzer said. “If the ADD’er feels defensive or judged, the conversation will go sideways fast and most likely turn into an argument.”

Accept that your spouse thinks and processes things differently.

For instance, one of Kinzer’s clients takes a long time to make decisions. He likes to have all the facts, and weigh the different options before reaching a final decision. “This may look like avoidance or not caring about the decision as much as the other partner.” But obviously, he cares very much. If your spouse has a similar tendency, set a deadline and identify how to accelerate the process, together. Do this from a place of understanding—and not judgment, Kinzer said.

Ask your spouse how you can help.

For instance, you might trade household chores, Matlen said. You manage the bills, and your spouse maintains the lawn. Or hire out. “Instead of bickering over chores that don’t get done, or don’t get done to your standards, hire outside help.” “These tactics can literally save a marriage,” she said.

Set up systems and structures.

Kinzer suggested sitting down together and writing out what needs to be done on a daily and weekly basis. “For someone with ADHD, cleaning the house is not going to be top of mind. They need to know what to do, when to do it, and be reminded to do it.” Because you don’t want a parent/child relationship with your spouse, Kinzer advised against doing the reminding. “This will lead to resentment.” Instead, she recommended the spouse with ADHD create their own reminders with alarms and notifications and write a checklist of responsibilities.

Debrief and connect every night.

These meetings help you discuss what is or isn’t working, Matlen said. It’s important that your discussions are supportive—no accusations or finger pointing. Matlen suggested saying: “We have a problem with _________. How do you think we can solve this together?”

ADHD can be difficult on a marriage. Frustrations mount on both sides. Neither partner feels heard. But, by communicating with compassion, working together and trying the above strategies, you can help your spouse and your relationship.